Torrie’s Story: From Miscarriages to Influencer Mom of Four

Torrie Jarrett dreamed of raising four children on a farm after she married her husband, but she never imagined the heartbreaking years of infertility and miscarriages that lay ahead. Through the pain and waiting, she learned to lean on God in ways she never had before. 

Today, Torrie is a mother of four and social media influencer who shares her joy and faith journey online with hundreds of thousands of followers. Hear how she trusted God through loss and discovered His perfect plan on this episode of GPS: God. People. Stories. 

Connect with us through email at gps@billygraham.org or on Facebook at Billy Graham Radio.

If you’d like to know more about beginning a relationship with Jesus Christ, or deepening the faith you already have, visit FindPeacewithGod.net.

If you’d like to pray with someone, call our Billy Graham 24/7 Prayer Line at 855-255-7729. 

Transcript

Torrie Jarrett:  
[00:00:00] Month after month, it was like not happening. And I was devastated. I was just like what do I do? What’s wrong with me? So, we start going to the doctor. I get tested. And they’re like it’s fine. You just got to wait a year before we even start helping you. I’m like a year? Like no. This is like a year off my plan which is my whole life. That seems like forever. Every month felt like a year. So, I had no choice but to go and take it all to the Lord. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:00:26] Torrie Jarrett envisioned a perfect life with a husband and four children. But instead, she faced a long journey of infertility and miscarriage. Find out how Torrie has found joy in Jesus through every circumstance and helps others to do the same. It’s all on this episode of GPS: God. People. Stories. An outreach of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. I’m Jim Kirkland. Like Torrie was doing initially, people often search for happiness in their circumstances whether it’s in their career, family life, or personal growth. It’s something Billy Graham knew was a losing game.   

Billy Graham: 
[00:01:04] Happiness does not depend on circumstances. If you make serenity and happiness depend on outward circumstances, then you’re destined for disappointment and disillusionment.  

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:01:14] If you’re feeling discouraged and are searching for hope, we’re here to help. Visit our website FindPeacewithGod.net. That’s FindPeacewithGod.net. And as always, there’s a link for you to get there in our show notes. 

Audio and Music Tag:
[00:01:31]

Jim Kirkland
[00:01:36] When Torrie Jarrett was five years old, she told her parents she wanted to give her life to Christ. Because she was so young, they asked her some questions just to be sure she was ready. 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:01:48] I’m like,  yes, I want to get saved. My dad’s like, okay, let’s just wait until like Wednesday. Let’s see how you feel then, you know, wanting that stirring to go to the altar type situation. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:01:58] On Wednesday morning, Torrie woke up excited to go to church that night and commit her life to Jesus. But first, she had to go to school. 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:02:08] I’m like it’s Wednesday. Today is salvation day. I cannot wait. Anyways, we go into bathroom break and my heart was just like pounding. Like I was straight under conviction. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:02:18] In that moment of solitude, Torrie’s conviction was tugging at her heart. 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:02:24] And so, I go into the bathroom. I’m sitting on the toilet. I’m just like, Lord, I’m trying to make it until tonight. Like I don’t want to die today. And all of a sudden, the toilet starts flushing because it’s automatic. You know. So, it’s swoosh, swoosh, swoosh. And I’m like, oh, my gosh! I’m gonna die right now and go to hell! I’m going to get sucked up in this toilet. I’m going straight to hell right now. So, in that moment like please, God, don’t make me wait until tonight. Like I believe You. I love You. Like please save me right now. So, I come out in the stall center, out of the stall, washed by the blood. Like I’m straight up saved when I go out. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:02:56] But Torrie didn’t share her newfound decision. She came forward at church that night as expected and as if she had never prayed beforehand in the bathroom. Torrie kept quiet about her actual salvation moment for the next 30 years. 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:03:14] It was like this perfectionism battle that I started to deal with. And so, I went to the altar. And I told them like, okay. Yes, I want to be saved. I knew the whole time like, okay, Lord, you know you’ve already got me. You already live in me. Whatever. But I’ve got to go through the motions and all the things.  

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:03:29] The pattern of perfectionism would continue to be a theme in Torrie’s young life. 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:03:34] So growing up as a pastor’s kid, I clung to perfectionism. Like whatever it looks like on the outside. I have to be pretty. I have to be fashionable, but we were very low income. My dad made hardly any money. We thrifted. And I hid that. I didn’t want anyone to know that I thrifted. That my clothes, everyone was like, oh, you look so cute. You must have this, that, or the other which would also make me feel bad because I worried about what people thought of me. I would hide it and be like, oh, no. You know. Whatever. I got it. Wherever you shop, that’s where I shop. I just wanted everyone to be proud of me. Everyone to have only good things to say about me. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:04:13] Because of her pursuit of perfectionism, Torrie judged herself harshly. And she began to think that was how God thought of her too. Those feelings caused her to be afraid to be close to God, but she still prayed. And in her teenage years, she specifically prayed about her future husband.  

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:04:33]  I remember writing a list of things that I wanted in a husband. And I would pray about every single one of those things. I want him to have dark hair. I want him to be over six feet tall. I want him to do this. I want him to do that. And I would always pray over it. And every person that I would date that kind of fit the bill I would be like, oh, my gosh, you must be my husband. You know. Not really listening to the voice of God but this idea of perfectionism.  

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:04:58] Torrie began to date but not the right kind of guy. And it led her to a turning point. 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:05:05] I was really looking at that list. And God’s like everything that you’ve got on this list goes with all your other issues of has to look right, but is it right?  

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:05:14] No, Torrie knew it wasn’t right. She decided to not date anyone for a while. She only wanted who the Lord wanted her to have. 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:05:24] So around 17/18, I took that list. I would pray over it. And it turns out when I fell in love with God a little deeper and was like you know what, no one else matters except for you. That’s when He sends me my husband. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:05:37] Torrie met her husband Brenton through a group of friends. But before getting married, Torrie had a serious conversation with her husband-to-be. She wanted to have four kids. That was a non-negotiable for her. 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:05:51] I convinced him. Like if you want to marry me, then you need to have four kids. He’s like, okay, done.  

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:05:56] Torrie married Brenton when she was 20. After being married for a couple of years, Torrie had become desperate to have her first child. 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:06:04] Month after month after month, it was like not happening. And I was devastated. I was just like what do I do? What’s wrong with me? So, we start going to the doctor. I get tested. And they’re like it’s fine. You just got to wait a year before we even start helping you. I’m like a year? Like no. This is like a year off my plan which is my whole life. That seems like forever. Every month felt like a year. So, I had no choice but to go and take it all to the Lord. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:06:30] While sitting on their front porch, Torrie prayed asking God what they were supposed to do. She’d envisioned her life of raising children to serve the Lord. And she was worried that He was not going to give them to her 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:06:44] So in having this relationship, depending on the Lord, constantly thinking I’m pregnant, finding out that I’m not is just like this cycle of possibility and devastation. Possibility and devastation. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:06:55] Frustratingly, the bad news kept coming. After running some tests on her husband, they found that the couple only had a 50% chance of being able to have children. It was due to an accident Brenton had suffered working as a lineman a few years earlier. 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:07:02] And we find out in this appointment that that should have made him not be able to have children at all. So, the fact that there was a 50% chance – even though this news was very devastating – it was like, okay, God can work with that. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:07:247] Torrie kept going to God in prayer. And two months later, they became pregnant with their first child. 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:07:31] I remember just being like God is so good. And no one will ever understand the goodness of Him because we had so many obstacles standing in our way. But what I didn’t realize was a lot of it was just the relationship with God missing in that. He wanted me to long for Him. Like when I was a teenager, He wanted me to long for Him before He gave me His husba-my husband. And then when I was an adult, He wanted me to long for Him before He gave me the gift of a child.  

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:07:58] With the birth of their son, Torrie wanted to continue to grow her family. Torrie and Brenton had a baby girl 22 months later and decided it was time to build their family home.   

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:08:09] I heard the Lord speak and was like you need to start blogging this. You need to start sharing this. It was like His voice was so loud to me I couldn’t just keep it to myself. I wanted to tell the world. So, I designed a whole blog, a whole website. All this stuff. I never even told Brenton. At that point, I was so embarrassed because I’m like this makes no sense. 

Jim Kirkland:
[00:08:29] Torrie told Brenton she had something to show him. 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:08:32] So, I said to him I’m about to give us a brand. I’m about to change everything I’m doing. My goals list, I want to write a book. He’s like, okay. I’m like here’s the website. Here’s the blog. Here’s my first – let me read it to you. And he’s like crying. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:08:50] Brenton had no idea his wife had all this inside her ready to come out at her fingertips. But his encouragement excited her. She went live with her website and brand Willow Brook Farm Life. It showed glimpses of her life ranging in everything from thrift finds to the house to faith moments. And just like their newly launched website, finally their house was ready too. 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:09:16] Our first night in the house, I had ordered a mattress. And we all slept in my bed because we were used to being in this camper. And I have two kids. And now, they’re at the whole end of the hall of this big house that I’m like seems so foreign. I felt like this was going to be home. And for me, I’m a visitor. What am I even doing? Why is this house this size? Like the ceilings are 10 foot. I 5’2”. I felt tiny in it. I felt like my kids were too far away. So, it was just like this shift of like I designed perfection. First night there, perfection is shattering. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:09:50] But once again, Torrie was ready to chase after her desire to have four children. 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:09:56] And I’m like, okay, it’s time for number three. So, we start trying for a baby. And it wasn’t happening. And it wasn’t happening. And it wasn’t happening. And it wasn’t happening. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:10:07] After another visit to the doctor, Torrie and Brenton were told their chances of having more children were getting even slimmer. They were told they needed to have them quickly or they might not be able to have them at all.  

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:10:19] So, we end up getting pregnant. And that’s when I experienced my first miscarriage. And it was so rough. It was so dark. It was so devastating. We were in our new house. This dream house that was supposed to be so beautiful. And one thing after another just kept shattering. I was like how am I supposed to write a story about just how beautiful God is when I’m living in absolute darkness? 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:10:43] Torrie was almost 10 weeks pregnant when she lost the baby. She ended up in the emergency room on a Friday night. And a quick warning, the details of what she’s about to share are intense.  

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:10:58] I was in the bathroom. I’m alone. And honestly, there’s just stuff everywhere. I was trying to clean up the bathroom floor. People are pounding on the door. It makes me want to cry like even thinking about it. People were pounding on the door and wanting to get in. They’re like yelling for me to get out of the bathroom. And I’m thinking like I’m alone, and I’m losing my baby right now.  

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:11:19] But the miscarriage wasn’t over in just one night. The process took six weeks. During that time, Torrie leaned on Brenton and the Lord. She was completely devastated. 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:11:32] I ended up hemorrhaging. I was not in a good place. I was not healthy whenever I finally ended my miscarriage. So, that was very traumatic period of life for me just going through that. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:11:44] Torrie wrote a blog post sharing about their loss. The post hit home with many others who had similar experiences. 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:11:52] So many people poured their heart out to me. My friends’ grandmothers called me on the phone. Emails from older women never told a soul. And would start the conversation saying don’t tell so-and-so because no one knows. But I’ve been through that. And your story was so real because 50 years later I’m still grieving something that I never told anyone about. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:12:13] Their reactions brought Torrie to a profound realization. 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:12:18] There are so many people in life that go through situations. And they sit in this isolating darkness without finding joy in the Lord because the keep it to themselves. So in sharing that and sharing that story, I just started seeing God work in my life in a different way. It’s like every time I would lay something at Jesus’ feet like fully and surrendering, okay, God, I’m not longing for the life of that baby to come back. I’m not going to long for two more children to make this life perfect. I just want you to take care of me. And we ended up getting pregnant with our third. We named her Beacon Meadow, a light in a peaceful place, because I was in the darkest when I ended up getting pregnant with her. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:12:55] It was around that time that God gave her another calling. But as she started to write the book, she kept falling back on her habit of self-reliance. 

Torre Jarrett:
[00:13:05] As soon as I had Beacon, we decided we would start right away trying for another one. And we wanted them to be closer together. And same scenario starts happening. I start clinging to the idea of getting pregnant. Every single month, it comes up not happening. And I’d tell my husband. I’m like, okay, I know what we’re going to do this time. We’re going to the doctor. We’re going to the fertility clinic. I’m going to tell them like you take care of this because I can’t go through what I’ve went through for the last 10 years. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:13:32] The doctor responded with some shocking news. Torrie was already pregnant. 

Torrie Jarrett:
[00:13:38] So as soon as I end that appointment, I go and I get a test. And I test, and test, and test. All of them are that I’m pregnant. And I’m like, oh, my gosh. Like, okay, Lord. But I felt uneasy about it. It was really hard to explain. I was like, okay, I didn’t fully ask You for this because I was just going to handle it. So, why are You giving me this baby? Is it going to be a lesson I need to learn? You know, like are you going to take it? Am I really going to have this child? 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:14:00] A couple of weeks later, Torrie had her answer. She began to suffer from another miscarriage. 

Torrie Jarrett:
[00:14:07] I was devastated. I was just like, oh, my Lord. Like what are You doing? Like why am I going through this again? What have I done to deserve this? I’ve followed You my whole life. I don’t have a huge redemption story. I’ve given You everything. I write everything. I do all this. And still, I’m sitting in a second miscarriage which is what I never wanted to go through. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:14:29] A short time later, Torrie received a phone call from the doctor’s office. The doctor had more heartbreaking news. She was not a candidate for a fertility procedure. 

Torrie Jarrett:
[00:14:41] I’ve seen all these stories. Like anybody who can’t have a baby, they go to the doctor. Then, they can have a baby. So, what are you talking about? And they were like  your husband can’t have kids anymore. Like his percentage over the years had went down. And he was not able to have children. My knees collapsed. I was just like what do you mean he can’t have kids. We just need one more. I was so upset. And she’s like I’m so sorry. But, no, you’re not a candidate. He’s not. He can’t have children. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:15:06] While still crying on the phone, Torrie went and looked out the window. She stared at the magnolia tree she had planted in memory of the first child she lost. She had hoped it would grow as a memory of the child, but it had never bloomed. However, in that moment, Torrie noticed something she hadn’t seen on the tree before. 

Torrie Jarrett:
[00:15:28] I saw something white on it. And I was like what in the world is that? So, I hang up the phone. I run downstairs, run across the yard, and I go out there to this magnolia tree. And I see that it has blooms. This tree now at this point was three years old. It had never bloomed. It had never grown. It had never done anything except just upset me because it wasn’t doing what it was supposed to do. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:15:48] Torrie counted the blooms on the tree. One, two, three. 

Torrie Jarrett:
[00:15:54] And I so clearly hear the voice of the Lord say these are the three that you  have. And they’re open; they’re bloom. They’re growing. They’re beautiful. And they’re upstairs right now doing homeschool. And then, He’s like keep looking. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:16:07] Torrie frantically looked all over the tree and found two more buds. She felt God say to her they will never open. Now, look again. As Torrie looked at the tree, she found one tree bud with a little bit of white coming out of it. She didn’t know what it meant. 

Torrie Jarrett:
[00:16:26] And He was like that one’s coming. So, just hang on to Me through this journey because you’re going to have that fourth baby. But it’s on My time not yours. So, I was like balling crying. And I’m like, oh, my gosh. Okay. Lord, I’m just going to trust You. And the math doesn’t make any sense. The story timeline doesn’t make any sense. Two weeks after that very moment, I found out that I was pregnant with our fourth which we have now. She just turned four years old. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:16:51] After Torrie delivered her fourth child, she got a publishing deal and shared her life story, including about her miscarriages. 

Torrie Jarrett:
[00:17:00] I realized there were a lot of people that needed to see what God really said about miscarriage instead of what we told ourselves. That we were a failure. That’s not what God wants. There’s a reason that we all go through those battles. I’m a firm believer of that. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:17:13] That book led to an opportunity for Torrie to become a public speaker. Something she never thought she’d do. That was two and a half years ago. And in that time, she has started a podcast called Chats in the Greenhouse. She also decided to change her entire social media presence from mostly sharing thrift finds or home design to incorporating her family, prayer requests, and tie ins with Scripture. 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:17:40] For me, I was like I need to be real. Like I need to make sure everything I’m doing is real. And what do I want my message to be here? And at the end of the day, it wasn’t really thrift finds. It was Jesus. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:17:51] Through the platform she has been given, Torrie aims to share the joy that Jesus had brought to her life. She’s doing that by constantly filming videos of her praising God and dancing with joy in whatever she’s doing whether making breakfast or doing design work. 

Torrie Jarrett:
[00:18:08] I want people to come to me and figure out how to find joy. Like how to heal from miscarriage but in every day life, joy is so attainable. And people don’t believe that. They believe they go to church on Sunday. If they don’t get fully healed, then they just go back to their regular life Monday through Friday. That is not the case. We can wake up with Jesus and have church in our kitchen every single day.  

Music tag:
[00:18:29] 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:18:40] If you want to have that kind of joy in your everyday life, the kind of joy that only comes from faith in Jesus Christ, you can start your faith journey right now. Visit our website FindPeacewithGod.net. When you’re there, click on begin a relationship with Jesus. That’s at FindPeacewithGod.net. You can also find this link in our show notes. In just a moment, you’ll hear Torrie share more about what it means to lean on God in life’s hardest moments and find joy in Him there. 

Audio tag:
[00:19:15] 

Billy Graham: 
[00:19:24] How can I find happiness? This question takes various forms and is expressed in many ways. But basically, millions are asking the same question. 

Announcer:
[00:19:34] Billy Graham … 

Billy Graham: 
[00:19:35] The Bible teaches that you are entitled to happiness. We know that happiness in this life is a possibility regardless of circumstances because Jesus demonstrated it. Over and over again, He encouraged the faint hearted to be of good cheer. Happiness does not depend on circumstances. If you make serenity and happiness depend on outward circumstances, then you’re destined for disappointment and disillusionment. In fact, many times the person does not find true peace and happiness until in the midst of suffering and pain. There are thousands of you listening to me that have searched for happiness all your life. You have looked for joy and peace and contentment all your life, and you never found it. I beg of you to receive Christ today. I beg of you to put your hand by faith in His hand and begin a life of inward happiness and peace. I do not mean that there is no trouble ahead. I do not mean that there will not be disappointments and persecutions ahead. But I mean that in the midst of troubles and difficulties there can be peace with God that will bring and inward happiness. You can be happy today by giving your life to Christ. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:20:42] Jesus Christ offers a life of peace and happiness like no other. And as Billy Graham just said, you can find that happiness today. Visit our website FindPeacewithGod.net. And when you’re there, click the link that says begin a relationship with Jesus. Once again, that’s at FindPeacewithGod.net. And the easiest way to get there is the link in our show notes. Before we go, Torrie has one last piece of advice she’s like to share and some insight on how you can life joyfully even in life’s hardest moments. 

Torrie Jarrett: 
[00:21:17] Lean on God, and He will get you through anything. You can find joy through the darkest, hardest moments; but they are not found within ourself. It’s 100% found within Jesus and spending time with Him. There are so many Scriptures in the Bible that point us to joy, love. I mean, He is such a loving father. I spent so much time fearing God. And-and I do. I want to live my life to please Him. But what I was lacking is knowing that the more I fall in love with God, the more I want to please Him. The more I want to live the way that honors Him. So, anybody who listens to anything that I say, I hope that they leave thinking I want to know this Jesus. Like I want to have that joy that only comes from Him. I’m going through a hard time, but I want to be able to laugh through the pain. I want to be able to endure these tears and still smile. Anybody that hears anything from this story, I hope that they find redemption is always found sitting at Jesus’ feet not by bowing down to anxiety, not bowing down to our circumstances. But working though those things and finding joy through all the pain. 

Jim Kirkland: 
[00:22:31] We’re grateful to Torrie Jarrett for joining us on this episode. Torrie continues to share her joy in the Lord in every aspect of her life. All on social media, her podcasts, her blog, at women’s conferences, and in her personal life and her community. If you’d like to be encouraged by more stories like this, we can help you with that. Hit the subscribe button on your favorite podcast app or on YouTube. In the middle of life, GPS is here for you in the  middle of the week every other Wednesday. I’m Jim Kirkland. And this is GPS: God. People. Stories. It’s an outreach of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. Always good news. 

Music tag:
[00:23:13] 

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