Singer Christine D’Clario Finds Joy After Darkness

Singer and worship leader Christine D’Clario has walked a difficult road. As a child, she was rejected because of her ethnicity, as a teen she rebelled against God, and as an adult, she struggled with infertility and severe postpartum depression.

Today—in addition to traveling the world with her singing—Christine helps Christians who are battling mental illness. Listen as she shares her story on this episode of GPS: God. People. Stories.

You can connect with us through email at gps@billygraham.org or via Billy Graham Radio on Facebook. 

Transcript

MUSIC STARTS

Christine D’Clario:
00:00:00 My youngest daughter was 6 weeks old. My body recovered amazing after that second birth. Within two weeks I was leading worship, going … doing events, and I was really feeling good physically, but mentally and emotionally I was … I was a trace of a human on the inside.

Jim Kirkland: Through Biblical counseling, singer and worship leader Christine D’Clario eventually overcame her battle with postpartum depression. Now, she helps other Christians with mental illnesses know that they are not alone. You’re going to hear her story on this episode of GPS: God. People. Stories., it’s an outreach of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association. I’m Jim Kirkland.

During especially challenging times Christine relied on God’s promises of deliverance. Billy Graham spoke often of those promises.

Billy Graham:
00:00:51 We live in our bodies which are subject to disease and troubles and difficulties and even sin. Many of us long to be free from the bondage of this world. The Bible tells us that that day will come.

Jim: That day comes for followers of Jesus Christ when they die and enter Heaven. You’ll hear more about that from Billy Graham a little later in this episode. You can also learn more about it at our website anytime, now or later. The address is FindPeaceWithGod.net. That’s FindPeaceWithGod.net. Or, if you’d rather talk with someone, call the 24/7 Billy Graham prayer line at 855-255-7729. That’s 855-255-PRAY.

Intro: GPS: God. People. Stories.

MUSIC TRANSITION

Jim: Christine D’Clario was born in Yonkers, New York, just north of New York City. It was there that she had a colorful childhood, mixed with culture and music. Her mom was a dancer and her father a musician. So, it comes as no surprise that Christine loves music. 

Christine:
00:02:00 My father was American, New Yorker, from European descent, and came from a German-Irish mother and an Italian father—and he was a country music lover. And then my mom is Hispanic. She’s Dominican, Puerto Rico, from Italian descent as well. So, we were all very loud to say the least—loud Latins, loud Italians by nature, lots of music. 

Jim: A few years before Christine was born, her mother had an encounter with Jesus that would impact Christine’s life.

Christine:
00:02:35 She instilled the Word of God into me from very early; I think in utero she was reading me Scripture and just leading me in the way that I should go. 

Jim: But Christine’s faith would be tested. While she was still a child, her father died from a disease caused by addictions.

Christine:
00:02:52 At the age of 6 ½, I had to face the hard reality that people’s bodies break to the point that they are gone forever. And then, having to anchor myself on my faith at only 6 when I didn’t very well understand what faith was yet was so hard.

Jim: And Christine’s world would turn upside down yet again.

Christine:
00:03:18 My mom remarried rather quickly and my stepfather, who I call Dad today, raised me from the age of 7 on and he moved us from the hustle and bustle of New York to Puerto Rico, where he was from, to live out in the country.

Jim: Now, Christine had another uphill battle: culture shock. She was surrounded by a different language and new traditions. And for the first time ever in her life, she experienced rejection.

Christine:
00:03:47 A lot of it was based on my race that I was quote unquote ‘too white’ and I didn’t belong, and then the bullying started. And so there was faith, there was church, there was Bible, there was church music, and there was also the fact that, Oh, I’m different. And because I’m different, I don’t fit in. And because I don’t fit in, where do I belong?
Jim: As a teenager, one of the places that Christine looked for acceptance and belonging was in the company of boys her age.

Christine:
00:04:18 Because I was different, there was this attention that was put upon me because I stood out from all the other girls. But deep inside, I was still broken, and I was still rejected and unbelonging and the ugly duckling. However, I really liked the attention, and I craved it because I had a void that my father had left that I desperately wanted to fill with a male figure. 

Jim: At the beginning of her time in college, Christine went through a bad breakup with the young man she had planned to marry. She was a worship leader at a large church in Puerto Rico at the time, nevertheless in her heartbreak, she became very angry at God. 

Christine:
00:04:55 With the sense of that heartbreak and all the feelings that were in there, it triggered all the pain from the beginning of my life. I do also have to mention that when I was 5 years old, before my dad fell gravely ill, I was sexually abused. I survived sexual abuse by several people that were close to my family and that took care of me. And it was all of these things that were still locked up inside of me that came right up to the surface when this breakup happened.

Jim: In her anger, Christine rebelled against God.

Christine:
00:05:29 I became a blamer and almost a shamer of God. Like I was so angry because in my mind, if only He had avoided my dad being an addict and dying, if He had healed my dad from whatever he was suffering, very likely none of the things that came after as an effect of it would have been happening, including the pain of that breakup and you know, everything I had to live as a result. So I did not leave church because church was very embedded in who I was, but I did leave God and everything good that came from it inside my heart. And then I started living a double life.

Jim: For about two years, Christine said that when she was at home, she acted as a “holier than thou” worship leader, and when she was away at college during the week, she was a completely different person. 

Christine:
00:06:20 I was so mad at God that I was going to do everything it took to oppose Him, to be contrary to what He wanted. He didn’t want me to go drinking and clubbing. I was going to go drinking and clubbing. He didn’t want me to be promiscuous and you know date anybody and do whatever; I was going to do that.

Jim: All that behavior, says Christine, was the result of her never having processed the pain of her childhood.

Christine:
00:06:41 I was so unhealthy and so broken that I was boundless with my anger and I took it out on the most innocent one of all, which was God, you know?

Jim: During that time, Christine picked up more singing gigs to help pay the bills as a college student. 

Christine:
00:06:56 I started getting this taste for the stage and the wows from the people and that’s what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. On stage was the one place where I felt that I was accepted fully and that I was welcomed and that I was validated and that I was praised. And I started getting this idea, well, if this feels so good on stage, I want to do this forever. I just want to be a famous artist. It doesn’t really matter if I’m singing to Jesus or not. I just want the fame and the acceptance and the applause and the adulation and so that became my goal.

Jim: That plan began to unravel, though, unbeknownst to Christine when she had the opportunity to sing with well-known Latin American Christian artist Samuel Hernandez.
 
Christine:
00:07:42 When I got there, I was faced with a group of people who were creative artists, but they were not just making music, they were actually worshipping. They were … eyes closed, hands raised, hearts united, exalting Jesus simply because they loved Him. It was the first time in a very, very long time that it was an atmosphere of praise that was bringing down a tangible feel of the presence of God that I was not leading and I wasn’t in charge of, that I couldn’t move and in a way manipulate. It was just God being God, not because of me or in spite of me. And I immediately, faced with that atmosphere, started getting convicted of all the sinful behavior that I had been practicing for the past almost two years.

Jim: Suddenly, Christine felt compelled to change her lifestyle. 

Christine:
00:08:43 I didn’t really want to. This is very comfortable just, you know, having a foot in each side, but there was something in my spirit that started longing and yearning for, Whoa, I’m not holy. I need to leave this room, like, I shouldn’t be here.

Jim: After the rehearsal, the plan was for Christine to meet the band at a restaurant. On the way there, Christine gripped her steering wheel and prayed—and gave God an ultimatum.

Christine:
00:09:08 I said, Listen, I don’t know what the heck that was in there. I didn’t like it, but maybe You want my attention, I don’t know. The point is, I’m not sure if I want to go Your way. And if You exist and if You’re real and if You love me and You have a plan for my life, and … if You’re listening, if You care, You have until midnight to demonstrate it, and if You don’t, I’m just going to go out into the world, and I’m going to leave the church because I’m sick and tired of it. 

Jim: At the restaurant, Christine decided to ask Samuel Hernandez to pray for her. She knew she needed help.

Christine:
00:09:43 And we went outside, under a tree, in the parking lot, and he began to preach a sermon to me—or what felt like a sermon, but for the first time, it was actually getting to me. I understand now it’s because I was open. It was like I was drinking water for the first time after trekking for a week in the desert. That’s what it felt like to my soul.

Jim: As Samuel prayed for her, a woman Christine had never met before approached her. She boldly told Christine that God does really exist and that He loves her. Christine became deeply convicted of her sin. 

Christine:
00:10:20 I was at rock bottom. I was depressive, suicidal, hiding behind facade of false humility, hypocritical Christianity, speaking the Word of God without living it, double life, hidden sin. And in that moment, it was like dad was picking up baby girl who had run off to the rocks after he warned, Be careful there’s danger there. Oh, she ran out and went to the danger and she fell and she got hurt and she was bleeding and bruised and banged up and dad comes to the rescue with his big strong arms and picks up baby girl, sits her down on his lap, cries with her, and at the same time says, Look what you’ve done, sweetie. This is not what I wanted for you, but this is where you are right now. Let’s start the healing process. Let me love you.

Jim: Christine had to make a decision that day. She had two paths before her—one with God or one without Him. She had reached her breaking point. 

Christine:
00:11:21 I realized in that moment that I am nothing without His presence. I am nothing without His voice. I’m nothing without His guidance. I’m nothing without His constant expressions of grace and mercy over me. I was on the brink of suicide already. I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy any of these riches and desires that I wanted. I was probably going to end up seven feet under quick.

Jim: That day—Aug. 22, 2003—Christine gave her life to Jesus Christ. At age 19, she committed to never turn her back on Him again. 

Christine:
00:11:56 I decided that very night that I was going to quit music. I didn’t want the platform and the stage anymore because I had recognized that it had made me very proud and in my pride I made all these mistakes and it was my pride that made me so angry at God. Now that I had surrendered it, I was afraid to pick it back up. I didn’t know that it was just a condition of my heart that needed to be healed.
Jim: Two weeks later, Christine jumped at a friend’s invitation to go to church with her. There, God confirmed and reinforced the decision she had made to follow Him. And … God opened up a completely different future for her.

Christine:
00:12:34 That was the day that I met my husband. [soft chuckle] It was very strange because I was highly, highly emotionally unavailable and I didn’t really want anything to do with guys. I had had several failed relationships and a lot of brokenness and I really didn’t want to go down that route; I wanted to focus on Jesus, but little did I know that God was giving me one of the biggest gifts of my life by just visiting that church.

Jim: While she and Carlos started out strictly as friends, the two eventually fell in love. In May 2004, Christine released her first single and began her singing career and ministry. Carlos became her manager, and together, they chose to obey God and follow His lead. 

Christine:
00:13:19 About nine months after dating, we were married and we started ministry together and the Lord started pushing us to go out and it was hard for me because I wanted to surrender the spotlight so much and God kept saying, No, now is the moment to go into the spotlight because it makes you uncomfortable and because it’s not a risk of becoming an idol because you know who I am and who you are and that that’s just a side thing. Now I want you to go and I want you to share your story.

Jim: The couple spent the next 10 years focused on their careers. Then, they began to try to have children, but when they did, they struggled with infertility.

Christine:
00:13:55 I couldn’t have babies. I had a dead womb, and the Lord healed me and gave me two back to back. My son is 6 years old. He’ll be 7 soon. His name is Ian Anthony. And my daughter is 5 years old. Her name is Kenzie Evangelina, and they are the light of my life.

Jim: But that “light,” that joy got hidden shortly after Kenzie was born. It was 2018 and Christine started feeling … not right inside.

Christine:
00:14:25 My youngest daughter was 6 weeks old. My body recovered amazing after that second birth. Within two weeks I was leading worship, going … doing events, and I was really feeling good physically, but mentally and emotionally I was … I was a trace of a human on the inside.

Jim: Christine knew she should be joyful because of her two miracles babies. Instead, all she felt was sadness—and the sadness would not go away, no matter how much she cried. 

Christine:
00:14:54 There’s something wrong with me. I’m an ingrate. What kind of a child of God am I? What kind of a mother am I? 

Jim: Christine was suffering from postpartum depression … and she didn’t understand how devastating it could be. She just blamed herself for her negative emotions. 

Christine:
00:15:10 And then the sadness turned to guilt, the guilt turned to shame, the shame turned to self-loathing and self-condemnation, and that turned into hopelessness. ‘Oh, I’m damaged. I’m always going to be this way. There’s no way out because I can’t turn back the hands of time.’ This was the lie that was lingering in my brain. This was what made me suffer from that symptom that most postpartum depression moms suffer from, which is suicide ideation.

Jim: Those lies overtook Christine’s thoughts and stayed at the forefront of her mind. They took her captive every waking moment—even in her dreams while she slept. 

Christine:
00:15:50 ‘Why on earth, Christine, would you pray to God for children? He made you exactly the way He wanted you, unfunctioning womb and all. He knew you weren’t cut out for this. He put a safeguard in your womb for that. But no, you had to go and you had to go pray.’

Jim: Christine thought she was “too broken” to raise her children. And all of that talk inside of her, all the harsh inner dialogue became unstoppable.

Christine:
00:16:18 ‘Any other woman in your family will do a better job. So how about you eliminate yourself permanently from their lives so they don’t run the risk of growing up damaged just like you are? So how about you take your life? It’s the kindest thing to do for these children.’

Jim: By the time for Kenzie’s six-week doctor’s appointment, Christine already had a plan to commit suicide.

Christine:
00:16:42 I remember sitting with my midwife, her singing my praises of how well I was doing and … she was filling out the paperwork to discharge me and I was never going to come back again. And she said, Don’t leave. There’s one more question I want to ask you. 

Jim: It was at this point, the midwife got awkwardly close to Christine and looked deep into her eyes. She asked, “What’s going on inside your heart? Tell me.”


Christine:
00:17:06 And it was this shock of loving confrontation that I did not know I so desperately needed because as a public figure in the church, I could not find a way to safely confess without the fear of being rejected and pushed away and shunned. I thought if I confess this to anyone and it gets out, I will definitely not be able to have livelihood. I won’t be able to go and get honorariums anywhere. I won’t be able to do events. Nobody will come. Nobody will buy a ticket to listen to somebody who’s so broken. Nobody’s going to listen to a suicidal worship leader. It’s just not going to happen.

Jim: In spite of those fears, Christine opened up to her midwife.

Christine:
00:17:56 There was so much inside me that was bottled up and just came out and I started bawling and telling her I feel this and I feel that. It’s torturous and it’s very—I’m in anguish and I can’t sleep and when I do sleep I’m dreaming that a bunch of terrible things that I’m afraid that I’m a hazard to the kids and to myself. I struggle with the thought of being alive tomorrow and I have a plan.

Jim: The midwife started to cry with Christine. She said, “Oh sweetheart, you are in a severe postpartum depression.” She knew what Christine was experiencing because she, too, had gone through postpartum depression. She handed Christine a card with information on how to reach a Christian therapist. 

Christine:
00:18:40 And she said, and I’m going to text you in an hour to see if you’ve called her, and she texted me within an hour. I hadn’t called her yet. She’s like, OK, do it, do it now. I’m going to text you in an hour to see if you’ve called her and she did.

Jim: But when Christine called the therapist, no one answered. She left a message. And meanwhile, for the next 48 hours—every waking hour—the midwife texted Christine, “Did they answer back? Are you OK? Do you need to talk?”

Christine:
00:19:06 The next day, I got a reply and they gave me an appointment for a month later and I told her, I’m not sure if I’ll reach a month. I’m in a really dangerous place. 

Jim: The midwife committed to call Christine the next day and the day after that. And she called Christine every day for an entire month to check on her. 

Christine:
00:19:23 Every day she was a lifeline and she saved my life. And between her and my therapist, they brought me back, life side. 

Jim: Since then, Christine has healed from her postpartum depression through Biblically sound psychotherapy. 
Christine:
00:19:36 I cannot say that I will never fall back into the rut of mental health disorder. I cannot say that I am fully shielded from what the world throws at you, but I can say that now I have tools—not just the tools that the Bible provides to me, but tools of knowing myself. I have come to understand that the way to truly live an abundant life is to love the Lord my God with all my heart and all my soul and all my mind and all my strength.

Jim: Today, Christine uses the experience of her mental health journey to help others overcome their struggles. She has ministered one-on-one to women facing postpartum depression and she has shared on YouTube about her own therapeutic process. 

Christine:
00:20:21 Still to this day, after five years, I get tons of messages in my DMs. There’s always a purpose to our pain and our journeys. The side effect of our journey is that we get healed. The true purpose of our journey is that we can build the body of Christ and that we are equipped with keys and weapons and mantles of authority to be able to help others come through victorious.

Jim: Christine has come to realize that there is a great need within the church for mental health care and healing. She started a nonprofit called Prodigal Heart Foundation. Its goal includes taking away the stigma from discussing mental health issues in the church, and training up church leaders to minister to those with a mental health crisis.

Ultimately, Christine wants others to know that God’s promises don’t fail. She encourages people to not let the loudness of their circumstances overpower the whispers of truth in God’s Word. She shared that hope in her song, “Stories on Stories.”

Christine:
00:21:29 The chorus says: I’ve got ten thousand stories of Your faithfulness / And God, I know there will be more hard days ahead / But not one where You fail me / Not one where You fall / Not one when Your arms / Couldn’t reach me and carry the weight of it all / Not one where You left me / Not one where You changed / Not one when Your love couldn’t win / When I’m fighting the wind and the waves / ’Cause I’ve got stories on stories / Of goodness worth singing about / … / And not one where You let me down. 

MUSIC TRANSITION

Jim: You can trust God’s faithfulness and experience His redemption just like Christine D’Clario has. It begins through a relationship with Jesus Christ. And to learn how to begin that relationship, pay us a visit at FindPeaceWithGod.net. Or, call the 24-hour Billy Graham prayer line. Someone’s waiting to talk with you now at 855-255-7729. That’s 855-255-PRAY. And our web address once again is FindPeaceWithGod.net. 

The importance of godly mentorship during a mental health crisis—you’ll hear more about that from Christine D’Clario in just a moment.
MUSIC STARTS

Voice-over: You’re listening to GPS: God. People. Stories., a podcast production of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association.

Billy Graham:
00:23:38 Not only does the world groan in its sinful agony, but we who are believers groan also. We wait for that which will complete our glorious redemption as the sons of God.

Voice-over: Billy Graham …

Billy Graham:
00:23:50 We live in our bodies which are subject to disease and troubles and difficulties and even sin. Many of us long to be free from the bondage of this world. The Bible tells us that that day will come. The Bible teaches that those who have put our faith and trust in Jesus Christ have been sealed by the Holy Spirit of God unto the day of redemption. We must keep the bells ringing—the bells of hope, faith, virtue, righteousness, and peace, the bells of the Gospel. We must keep them ringing amid the darkness and desolation which may surround us. This courage, faith, and fortitude comes from the cross where Christ emptied Himself and “humbled Himself … even to the death of the cross.” Jesus said, “In the world you will have trouble, but be of good courage, I have overcome the world.”

Jim: If you’d like Jesus to help you overcome the troubles of the world, visit us at FindPeaceWithGod.net. That is FindPeaceWithGod.net. 

Our guest on this episode of GPS: God. People. Stories. is Christine D’Clario. She’s a Christian singer, worship leader, and mother of two children with her husband, Carlos. She’s also the author of the book, Prodigal Heart. After facing her own mental health issues, Christine wanted to use her experiences to help others with their struggles. And if you’re one who’s in the midst of a mental health struggle, Christine encourages you to pay no attention to the lies you may be thinking. 

Christine:
00:25:22 The biggest lie with mental health crisis is: “No one will understand. No one has ever gone through this. I will be rejected for needing help.” And it’s not true. There are more people for you that want your wellbeing than those that don’t. Find someone you trust. Find someone who has shown you that they are godly and that they are caring and tell them, Hey, I’m going through this. Will you help me to find help? And I am certain that people will pour out and walk alongside you in your journey. 

Jim: We want to thank Christine D’Clario for her openness in sharing her testimony and her mental health journey. Make sure you are subscribed to GPS, wherever you find your podcasts. That way you will not miss our next episode, which is coming out in two weeks on May 1.
I’m Jim Kirkland. And this is GPS: God. People. Stories., it’s an outreach of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association—Always Good News.

CLOSING MUSIC

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