When combat veteran Fernando Arroyo left the U.S. Army, he suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. It got so bad, he almost took his own life.
Today, Fernando works to help other veterans find hope and overcome PTSD. Hear more of his story on this episode of GPS: God. People. Stories.
You can connect with us through email at gps@billygraham.org or at Billy Graham Radio on Facebook.
When combat veteran Fernando Arroyo left the U.S. Army, he suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. It got so bad, he almost took his own life.
Today, Fernando works to help other veterans find hope and overcome PTSD. Hear more of his story on this episode of GPS: God. People. Stories.
You can connect with us through email at gps@billygraham.org or at Billy Graham Radio on Facebook.
THIS EPISODE OF GPS DEALS WITH ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, SPECIFICALLY WITH THE USE OF A GUN. SO, LISTENER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
MUSIC STARTS
Fernando Arroyo:
00:00:10 I started falling apart. All the memories of my friends who were killed, of my friends who were wounded that I carried to the medevac helicopter to the bodies and things I saw that day when that car bomb exploded. Everything. It all came back to haunt me.
Jim Kirkland: After combat veteran Fernando Arroyo left the U.S. Army, he suffered with post-traumatic stress disorder¬—PTSD, for short. It got so bad, he decided suicide was the only way out. The Department of Veterans Affairs says as many as 17 veterans commit suicide daily.
Fernando:
00:00:45 I was almost one of those veterans … but I found hope in Jesus Christ.
Jim: Today, Fernando works to help other veterans find hope and overcome PTSD. You will hear more of his story on this episode of GPS: God. People. Stories., it’s an outreach of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association, and I’m Jim Kirkland.
Even before entering the Army, Fernando realized that he could not save himself. Over time, he would come to realize just how much he needed God. Billy Graham shared about the evils of this world, including wars … and man’s great need for a Savior.
Billy Graham:
00:01:21 God has a rescue plan, and His rescue effort is centered in the person of His Son, Jesus Christ. That’s why Christ came; that’s why He died on the cross. That’s what the cross is all about.
Jim: You’ll hear more about God’s rescue plan from Billy Graham later in this episode. You’ll also learn more about Jesus’ forgiveness through the cross when you visit our website. You can do that right now. Our site is FindPeaceWithGod.net. That’s FindPeaceWithGod.net. Now if you’d rather talk with someone, there’s someone waiting for you at the Billy Graham prayer line: 855-255-7729. That’s 855-255-7729. Or, you can remember it this way: 855-255-PRAY.
Intro: GPS: God. People. Stories.
MUSIC TRANSITION
Jim: Growing up, Fernando Arroyo and his family lived in a one-bedroom home near East Los Angeles. His parents had immigrated to the U.S. from Mexico; they didn’t have much. On his rough neighborhood streets, Fernando was exposed to gangs, drugs, and violence—but he didn’t let that environment determine his future.
Fernando:
00:02:39 As a kid, I had these little toy soldiers and like G.I. Joes, playing army outside with my brother and my friends, just running around with toy guns and stuff. And I remember watching Operation Desert Storm. So it was like 1991. And I remember on the news it would show these black-and-white thermal images of stealth fighters and Apache helicopters dropping bombs, destroying Iraqi tanks, all this cool stuff—but the thing that got me was seeing the footage of the guys on the ground. And they’re shooting, they’re returning fire, and then as they’re getting shot at, they’re moving up towards the enemy. And I thought, Oh, these are real life G.I. Joes. This is what I want to be.
Jim: While Fernando found his vocational purpose early on in life, by age 13, he would discover another greater purpose: faith. After consistently attending church with his mom and older brother, he gave his life to Jesus Christ.
Fernando:
00:03:40 I can’t say I had this like ‘wow’ moment, you know? I just believed in Jesus at a young age, but at 13 it was more of a formality. It’s like, Do you believe in Jesus Christ? It’s like, Yeah, of course, like, Yes, I do.
Jim: Four years later, as a high school senior, Fernando’s faith was put to the test. Sept. 11, 2001—on that day, he was in class when the United States was attacked by terrorists. Compelled to serve his country, Fernando was sworn into the Army less than three weeks later. He enlisted to be a paratrooper, but Fernando had never even flown in an airplane—that was, until he found himself on his way to infantry school.
Fernando:
00:04:20 When the plane took off, I watched the city of LA just disappear. And I thought, Oh, I can’t do this. I cannot jump out of an airplane. So I was very overwhelmed. It was a lot. I felt like I didn’t know what I was getting myself into, which in a way I didn’t. You know, this was bigger than me.
Jim: After completing 14 weeks of infantry school in Fort Benning, Georgia, Fernando went to airborne school. That’s where he learned how to jump out of a plane and become a paratrooper.
Fernando:
00:04:50 I remember through my basic training in airborne school, I was praying to God, asking Him for strength. I was reading the book of Psalms. I was going to church on Sundays. And, after airborne school, when I got to Fort Bragg, North Carolina, I stopped praying as much. I didn’t seek out a church. I didn’t seek out the chaplain. I made the mistake of wanting to be one of the boys.
Jim: After a month in Fort Bragg, Fernando tried for a paratrooper position. It was in one of the reconnaissance platoons … and he was selected. With that accomplishment, Fernando’s pride grew, and he began looking more to himself than to God. Then, he was deployed to Iraq.
Fernando:
00:05:37 I was now 19 years old, first time in combat. I’m in the back of this Humvee wearing night vision. There’s bullets flying in the air and I’m going to go to those bullets, right? So, I lock and load and I remember I said a prayer and I said, Lord, forgive me for my sins. Sorry, I’m not a good Christian. I’m not in the Word. I’m not praying as much, but I know that my life is in Your hands. If I die, may I wake in Your presence, in Jesus’ Name, amen.
Jim: All the gunfire Fernando and his platoon encountered came at them as they approached the city of Fallujah. But once they entered the city, it all stopped. In fact, Fallujah looked like a ghost town, but they knew they were being watched. Then as they made their way to the outskirts of the city, in a swampy area by the Euphrates River, Fernando was told, “Get ready, it’s coming.”
Fernando:
00:06:26 We’re going like five to 10 miles an hour tops, looking for the bad guys. And that’s when I heard two explosions, and I saw two flashes, two explosions. I felt the blast in my chest.
Jim: Two glowing red rocket-propelled grenades flew about five feet over Fernando’s head. And then, more bullets.
Fernando:
00:06:44 It was this out-of-body experience. I was in an ambush. And my training kicked in with my night vision on my M4, and I just start returning fire. And as I’m returning fire, I feel the Humvee move, because we’re trying to drive out of the kill zone so that we’re not just sitting ducks, and bullets are whizzing by, and I’m shooting back, and I remember that night was the first time I shot someone.
Jim: After what felt like an eternity, Fernando heard, “Cease fire.”
Fernando:
00:07:13 I felt my team leader, my platoon sergeant touching me. They’re touching my face and my body. I’m like, What’s going on? They’re like, We’re making sure you’re not hit. So we checked each other. We’re good. And I just remember thinking, People are trying to kill me. This is reality. This is war, you know? And I might die here.
Jim: For the next several months in Fallujah, Fernando faced ongoing attacks from rockets and IEDs, which stands for improvised explosive devices. All the while, he strayed farther and farther from God.
Fernando:
00:07:46 I don’t know how many IED roadside bombs I experienced. It was a lot. Nothing ever touched me. I felt the blast and the heat but God was there. Again, not going to church, not reading the Bible. I was more focused on, ‘I’ll say a prayer before I go on a mission in case I die.’
Jim: But he did not escape unaffected by all that he’d been through. When Fernando returned from Iraq, he began to suffer from PTSD.
Fernando:
00:08:13 I’m in the barracks at Fort Bragg and that night, my first night, I remember waking up to the sound of gunfire. I dove out of my bed. I’m on my hands and knees in my barracks room and I’m looking for my M4, my weapon. I’m looking for my night vision, my body armor. None of it’s there, and I’m panicking, and then I look out the window and I see green trees and I realize, Oh … I’m back. I am not in Iraq. This happened a lot.
Jim: Eventually, other people began noticing his PTSD, including his family when he came home on a two-week vacation.
Fernando:
00:08:46 We’re watching TV and it was trash day. Well when garbage trucks grab the trash cans, they lift them up and they shake them, right, and it makes a bang—the lid bangs. So I’m in the living room and I hear the bang and I yell, “Incoming! Get down! Incoming!” and I dive to the living room floor. And I’m yelling at my family and I’m cursing at them. “Get down! Get down! Get on the ground!” And they’re just looking at me … What is going on? And then I remember, Oh, I’m home. I am not in Iraq anymore.
I sit down laughing like, Oh man, huh, whoo, you know, silly me. Yeah, it’s a thing we did and my mom’s crying and she says, Mijo, are you OK? I said, Yeah, Mom, I’m fine. And I wasn’t.
Jim: Six months later, Fernando was deployed to Afghanistan. It was during this deployment that he decided it was time to get out of the Army and get back to civilian life, but he was told he first had to deploy to Iraq for another year. Fernando was angry and he blamed God.
Fernando:
00:09:56 I was like if God is in control of everything, then He’s the one that’s keeping me from getting out, keeping me from living my life and being successful. Then I looked back and I said if God is in control of everything, then all the carnage and the mayhem I saw in combat, He’s the one doing it. God is kind of evil. How can a good God allow women and children to be killed? I just started laying into God. Everything bad, it’s His fault.
Jim: Fernando’s anger only grew worse during his time in Baiji, Iraq. His platoon was losing men in combat there … his friends were dying. One of the worst experiences there was a massive suicide car bombing that left horrific carnage in its wake. It was shortly after that that Fernando returned home.
Fernando:
00:10:42 This time I get a piece of paper that says you have 10 days to get out of the Army. About two weeks later, I’m a college student in California and I’m a civilian after a 15-month deployment and overall, over two years of combat.
Jim: After everything he’d experienced, it just was not possible for Fernando’s life to return to “normal.”
Fernando:
00:11:07 I do not feel safe anywhere. I’m going to church, but I’m sitting in the back of church with a hangover, and I’m kind of like, look God, I know You kept me alive. I know that You’re real. So I’m kind of checking the box.
Jim: Despite going to church on Sundays, Fernando was struggling. He felt alone. And he couldn’t let go of his past.
Fernando:
00:11:31 I started falling apart. All the memories of my friends who were killed, of my friends who were wounded that I carried to the medevac helicopter to the bodies and things I saw that day when that car bomb exploded. Everything. It all came back to haunt me. And I was having nightmares; I was sleeping two hours or less a night.
Jim: Fernando hated his life. He was miserable, but, nevertheless, he still refused to tell anyone at church about what he was facing.
Fernando:
00:11:58 There’s this saying that you’re only as sick as the secrets you keep. I was holding on to these … secrets, this trauma, this pain, the suffering. I wasn’t even praying to God to help me with it.
Jim: One night in his studio apartment, Fernando decided he would take his own life. A few of his friends had committed suicide and he thought it was time for him to do the same. So, after chugging a beer, he put a pistol in his mouth and closed his eyes.
Fernando:
00:12:27 I could taste the oil from the pistol in my mouth and I took the safety off. I heard the click and then I said a prayer in my mind and I said, God, if You’re there, save me.
Jim: There was no response. Thinking God didn’t care about him, tears streamed down Fernando’s cheeks. He was convinced it was time for him to go.
Fernando:
00:12:50 I put my thumb on the trigger and I told myself and I’m just going start squeezing and I’m not going feel anything. It’s just going be a surprise.
Jim: As Fernando slowly started pulling the trigger, he heard a bang. He dropped the gun.
Fernando:
00:13:04 I’m checking if there’s blood. There’s no blood. I check my head, the back of my head, there’s no holes.
Jim: Panicking, Fernando finally notices what caused the bang.
Fernando:
00:13:14 I had a Bible on my office desk in my studio apartment and it just mysteriously just fell off the desk and fell to the floor and that was the bang that I heard.
Jim: Fernando fell to his knees and cried.
Fernando:
00:13:28 I said, I give up. All right, God, I give up. Help me, help me. I need help. I need Your help. I need Your help. I just kept asking God for help. And I asked Him for forgiveness and I asked Him to save me.
Jim: A few days later, an old friend and fellow veteran reached out to Fernando. For months, he had been offering to take Fernando to the Department of Veteran Affairs to see a psychologist, but up until that point, Fernando had just said, Nope.
Fernando:
00:13:55 I was like, No, that’s just for wussies. I’m not a coward. I did what I was trained to do. You know, Mr. Tough Paratrooper Guy …
Jim: But after the failed suicide attempt, Fernando finally gave in. He took his buddy up on the offer and went to the VA’s office in East Los Angeles. Before seeing the therapist, he was given a packet of questions to answer like, “How much do you drink? Do you have nightmares?” He lied about all of it.
Fernando:
00:14:21 I was still ashamed. And I just said, No, no, no, no, no. Everything’s great. I’m fine.
Jim: But the therapist saw straight through Fernando’s façade.
Fernando:
00:14:30 When I got called in to the therapist’s office, you know, he said, Come in and have a seat. And he says, you know, According to your answers, you don’t need help. And I said, Great. Can I leave? He says, Hold on. You see, I’m looking at your answers on this piece of paper and they don’t match your military history because you have three combat deployments, you graduated ranger school, you jumped out of planes, you have a combat infantryman’s badge—which means that I engaged in direct battle against the enemy. Your answers do not match your military history, and I think that you’re lying to me. He said, The only way I can help you is if you allow me to help you by telling the truth.
Jim: Fernando was holding onto what little pride he had left after putting a gun in his mouth. He recognized that God was bringing him help through this therapist, but nevertheless he was debating whether to take it or not.
Fernando:
00:15:24 So I said, OK, what do you want to know? And he said, Did you go to combat? I said yes. Did you lose any friends? Yes. Have you ever had to shoot anyone? Yes. Are you having nightmares? Yes. How many hours of sleep are you getting each night? Two. How many drinks did you have Friday night? I had about 30-some beers. With who? Alone. What about Saturday? The same. With who? Alone. He said, Fernando you need help.
Jim: Embarrassed, Fernando started to cry. The therapist asked Fernando, “Are you religious?”
Fernando:
00:16:02 I said, I’m a Christian. And he said, OK. He’s like, I’m Jewish. I’m not a Christian, but I understand about Christianity. Why did Jesus die on the cross? And I said, He died for our sins. He said, Is there anything that you have done or could ever do that makes what He did on the cross no longer valid? Or, that He cannot cover and that He cannot forgive? And I cried and I said no. And he said, Fernando, I’m not a Christian, but I’m here for you, and if this is what it takes for you to find healing, I want to just give you a few moments to pray to Jesus and say whatever you want to Him.
Jim: Fernando prayed again for forgiveness and asked God to help him surrender his life. Over the next year, he met with that therapist two times a week and he openly confessed to his church the problems that he had been facing.
Fernando:
00:16:58 I thought that I was going to be told, Wow, that’s terrible; you need to leave the church; you’re not a real Christian. I just felt so much shame, you know? You’re only as [indistinguishable]. And the truth is when I shared this, I was surrounded with love, with prayer, with support, and I came even closer to God through this.
Jim: God changed everything for Fernando. He gave him a purpose to live and surrounded him with a church community. But Fernando knows many veterans are still fighting battles with PTSD, and those battles often result in suicide. As mentioned earlier in this episode, as many as 17 veterans commit suicide every day.
Fernando:
00:17:38 I was almost one of those veterans … but I found hope in Jesus Christ.
Jim: After getting back on his feet, Fernando started helping veterans at Biola University, a Christian school in California. It was through that work, the school eventually opened the Biola Veterans Center. Then, Fernando became the veterans case manager at the Orange County Rescue Mission.
Fernando:
00:18:02 I found myself helping veterans. I’m like, God, You’ve called me. You know, I went through what I went through. And when I got help, not only did I find help, but I was also now I’m able to help others and I’m helping veterans.
Jim: Today, Fernando is a newlywed and he’s working two jobs. One is with a Christian nonprofit that offers veterans free coaching and mentorship. The other is as a case manager helping people who are recovering from substance abuse and mental health disorders. Fernando hopes his story encourages others to call out to God and to trust Him.
Fernando:
00:18:36 Looking back, I see God was there the whole time. How is it that I went through all these IED explosions and I was never wounded? How was it that I was in an ambush and not a bullet touched me? How was it that I was surrounded by enemy and for an hour not one bullet hit me? I mean it goes on and on of the miracles and to the point where even, you know, I have a gun in my mouth and it’s God who saved me. God is chasing after us. God cares. He is there and if you call on Him, He is there; He is knocking at the door of your heart. Being in a bad place you might not see that, but if you start calling out, the light will appear and the light breaks through the dark. Trust me, I challenge you to, if you’re in a low place, call to Jesus, you will find hope.
MUSIC TRANSITION
Jim: You can have the same hope in Jesus Christ that Fernando Arroyo discovered. You can know you’ll go to Heaven when you die. To learn more about starting a relationship with Jesus Christ, you can go to FindPeaceWithGod.net. Or call our 24-hour Billy Graham prayer line: 855-255-7729. That’s 855-255-PRAY. And the web address again: FindPeaceWithGod.net.
Jim: Abundant life—you’ll hear more about that from Fernando Arroyo in just a moment.
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Voice-over: You’re listening to GPS: God. People. Stories., a podcast production of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association.
Billy Graham:
00:20:25 God never meant that there would be prejudice and wars and hate and lust and greed and jealousy and pride. God meant that this was to be a perfect paradise; there would never be any death.
Voice-over: Billy Graham …
Billy Graham:
00:20:37 The Bible says that all of our problems and all of our suffering—whatever it may be, including death itself—is the result of man’s rebellion against God—and of course, Satan is the one that led in that rebellion. Now God has a rescue plan, and His rescue effort is centered in the person of His Son, Jesus Christ. That’s why Christ came; that’s why He died on the cross. That’s what the cross is all about. Now what should be our attitude toward all of this? Well, we should bear our suffering, according to the Bible. “Woe is me for my hurt! My wound is grievous: but I said, Truly this is a grief, and I must bear it.” There comes a time when we must bear our grief, but God is with us in the midst of the grief. In the midst of the suffering, God is there.
Jim: You can discover more about God being with you “in the midst” of your grief. Go to FindPeaceWithGod.net. FindPeaceWithGod.net.
Our guest on this episode of GPS: God. People. Stories. is Fernando Arroyo. He’s a combat veteran who experienced the depths of PTSD and now helps other veterans overcome those depths. He’s also the author of the memoir, The Shadow of Death: From My Battles in Fallujah to the Battle for My Soul. Ultimately, Fernando wants everyone to find abundant life in Jesus Christ like he has.
Fernando:
00:22:03 If you surrender your life to Jesus, He gives you life abundantly—but it takes you giving up your pride and just humbling yourself the way Jesus did. And you’ll experience healing, forgiveness, and find true and eternal hope.
Jim: We’re grateful for Fernando Arroyo’s service to this country and service to his fellow veterans and for his willingness to share his story with us. Make sure you’re subscribed to GPS, so you do not miss a single episode. We post every other week, on Wednesdays.
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I’m Jim Kirkland. GPS: God. People. Stories., it’s an outreach of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association—Always Good News.
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